Disney 7th April to 9th April. I know I should have blogged about this before now. The whole experience was such an unmitigated disaster that I have had to give myself a period of time to adjust. This holiday was booked last year June 2007. The idea being that Simon, Helena, Simon's mum and Gavin (Simon's brother) and I would all go for our first family holiday together. The first mistake being booking it so long ago we had time to build up too much expectation. This is the first 'package' type holiday I have done in 20 years. Normally, I get a flight somewhere and a hire car booked. Trawl around on the internet a bit and look for small, exclusive hotels and book a few as I travel about. The thought of Sequia Lodge (an American Park themed Log Cabin of a hotel with 1,000 rooms Mmmm a bit of a concept problem before we start I would suggest) was not something that was exciting me. The idea of media led, themed and extortion based marketing which is targeted at children and the purses of parents, again is something I find morally objectionable.
Helena's behaviour by the way, is another aspect of this trip I was not looking forward to. Let us just say, this is a work in progress, a job that is going to take many years. Her spirited nature not being the easiest to deal with and the imagination she has in her head often prevents her accepting reality. As a parent, I find it my continual duty to provide reality based behaviour management.
So, off we go on 7th April to Terminal 5 Heathrow. This is after the terminal being opened the week before, all the luggage being lost, hundreds of flights cancelled….and the day after SNOW. We decided to put everything in hand luggage. I have a quite laisez faire attitude to packing and you will never see me at an airport with large amounts of luggage. I don't seem to have this parenting thing just right, because other families seem to have every portable device from Boots and Mothercare strapped to their buggies. We didn't even bring a buggy….because Simon helpfully told me as part of his internet research on Disney, that you could hire these. Get on the aeroplane….back of the queue…because I do not believe in rugby scrumming to get on the damned plane. Unfortunately every person decided not to take luggage for the hold. So the hold was empty and all the overhead compartments were stuffed to bursting. Mmmm it was difficult to get our luggage stored. 40 minutes flight and we arrived at CDG…. Surprisingly no incident with Helena.
CDG and the Survival of the Fittest Family began. The FF people are ALWAYS at the front of a queue, with buggies strategically placed so NOBODY can get passed their children, and their LUGGAGE is always used like a medieval barricade around their position in the queue. We went to the back of the queue, and waited for the wonderful Disney bus (17 euros per person one direction, under 3's free) to take us on our journey with all the other families. My hackles were rising, because I realised when we arrived at Sequia Lodge (the lodge that is as big as a 1,000 room hotel!!) we would be in another queue of buggies and luggage to get our room. Luckily a bloke approached us and offered us a mini bus (for the same price) to Disney. We accepted, and quite clearly with were DOMINANT FF now because we arrived a good 45 minutes before the rest of the herd. I was happy, clearly this was going to be good…..we had negotiated the first hurdle successfully. Got booked into our lodge room….which I have had better at a Travel Lodge…then decided to get a bottle of wine. At appointed times the Disney Character made an appearance on the MDF stage, strategically placed near the children play area….. near the DISNEY SHOP. Let us not miss a trick in getting that money out of your pockets parents.
Helena quickly became the Disney Character Stalker. Her behaviour was to grab the character by the leg until it gave her its attention. Once attention was grabbed she would then do ….look how cute I am routine…. Grabbing more attention… then would proceed to tell the character what to do next. Each character has a French Bodyguard (obviously to stop the character being mugged and stalked), the bodyguards got to know Helena very well. The character tried to get onto its MDF stage with the music playing various Disney type themed tunes. Helena was very helpful in joining the character on the stage, ignoring the hundreds of children in a queue who wanted the signature of the character (Autograph books sold in the Disney Shop in the Hotel). I can honestly say my daughter is definitely FF Dominant….and her routines did work…giving her a lot of character attention. Dinner time arrived and first major tantrum of the stay, it was not a nice family relaxing meal. Bed time and ready for the Disney Park the next day.
Breakfast….well I have been to major festivals that have not had the confusion, noise, and queues that breakfast Sequia Lodge style had. Helena decided she would run to the shop again and get Buzz Lightyear with its whirling appendages off the shelf for the hundredth time and run around with it. Buzz was not enchanting me at 17euros for a bit of whirling plastic, Helena seemed to love him and kept calling him…Her Buzz. I told her Buzz had to stay with his friends in the shop. She want out of the shop, I bought a small Winnie the Pooh and Eeore. Then started looking for everyone for breakfast….walked around and around. On my second circuit I found Simon at the bottom of the stairs on a sofa, with ice on his ankle. He had thrown himself down the stairs. I examined the ankle and it was sprained, a doctor had already been called. Then an ambulance had been called and before I knew it I was sucked into the horrors of foreign health services and insurance claims. Quite clearly my plan of being FF Dominant was seriously put to test by Simon becoming the weakest link. Good news, in that we were put in the VIP lounge for our breakfast …with lovely comfy sofas…and no horrid families. Simon sat on the Sofa whilst we waited for 1 hour for a doctor and ambulance to arrive. 100Euros had to be paid before getting into the ambulance and we were invoiced showing us how much we had paid per km for the ride. My patience was wearing thin. Arrived at a crumby French provincial hospital to wait for 4 hours for a 2 minute x-ray to confirm a sprained ankle. Whilst this was happening….I mean the waiting part of happening…. No treatment was given to the ankle so it continued to swell like a balloon….evidently bleeding into the ankle joint on both sides and all over the foot. At 2.30pm we were sat in the car park waiting for our lift back to Disney with a helpful x-ray telling us what I had confirmed at 9am that morning. I went into the town to a pharmacist whilst Simon was sat in the wheelchair and got Ibuprofen gel and a proper support bandage. I gave the ankle the treatment it needed.
So first day in Disney…..what a ride?
Second day in Disney and we are leaving at 1pm. The thought of negotiating Disney park with Simon and his ankle was not something I was looking forward to. I was correct to feel trepidation. It was dreadful …Helena's behaviour was appalling. We went on two rides:
- Carousel – Helena was happy because she wanted to go on the 10ft off the ground big horse. She had decided in her own mind that she would be going round and round on this horse on her own. At nearly 3 years old…this quite clearly was not going to happen… so when I got on the horse she screamed so much it was embarrassing…. She shut up whilst the thing was going round…but then tried to throw herself off it when it stopped because she wanted to get on her own. She needed rescuing by a Disney worker.
- Tea Cups – Helena screamed.
After these two unsuccessful rides Helena threw herself on the floor in a starfish position with her eyes shut. At this point it was clear …this was not going to work…
We went for a drink and made our slow procession back to the hotel for our luggage. Got on a flight…
I don't know if I will ever be able to manage Disney again.
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